I looked at my own cervix.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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