she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick