Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
