Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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