Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
