Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
