Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
