Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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