So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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