Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
