My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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