Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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