how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
