Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
false alarm. still invincible.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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