True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
