dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
