Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
