I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
