This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
