I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
