She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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