I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
