i can juggle bunnies
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.