My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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