3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
