I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
