i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
