I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
