he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
