Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
