If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
