I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
