i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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