I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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