I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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