I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
