her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
