Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
