im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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