When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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