why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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