Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
