just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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