I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
