And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
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Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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