Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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