I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
