Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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