There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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