she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My ass is underappreciated
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
