god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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