he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just invented taco cereal.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
