I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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