i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
