The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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