like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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