as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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